In a world that values personal choice, we should think more about building strong relationships

This article was originally published in The Mercury Newspaper (Tasmania). The article can be found at Strong relationships in the 21st century | The Mercury.

DID you know that sales of Melbourne Bitter have gone through the roof? Without any advertising, or marketing campaign, demand has grown exponentially. Why? Because it became the beer of choice for hipsters.

Somehow we live in a world that values personal choice; you can buy more brands and styles of beer than ever. We live in a world that believes everyone is a unique individual. But all hipsters, free from the influence of multinational advertising, are choosing the same beer as each other.

Here is the paradox. We celebrate choice, freedom, individuals as unique, and the expression of the self. But hipsters all drink the same beer. We all drowned ourselves in ice buckets for ALS at the same time. The best predictor of our favourite footy team and code is our parents.

As Durkheim observes, humans are inherently social. But our lenses and vocabulary that allow us to see and describe human interaction fail us. As the animated children’s movies highlight, we only see two options. Either I am an indiscriminate ant or bee, exactly the same as everyone else in the colony. Or I will break the mould, be an individual, and fulfil my potential.

If those are the two choices, we all choose self, except we aren’t wired that way. Our culture professes individualism, but practises tribalism. And this compounds the anxiety of adolescents. We say: be an individual; but they have a deep developmental need to fit in and belong to something bigger than themselves.

What is needed is a more accurate, non-binary description of being. Not individualism or collectivism, rather beings in relationship.

This is not a new thought. On the contrary — the idea that I will discover my true self by looking inward is the new thought. Aristotle (384-322 BC) taught that a person will live the good life within the web of family, neighbourhood and city. Buddha identified the belief that personal pleasure will lead to fulfilment as a delusion that will lead to suffering. Jesus summarises life as love God and love your neighbour. In Hinduism the goal is to move away from self focus, through your duty to others, become one with the universe.

No tried and tested understanding of the world puts our self at the centre of it.

The enduring picture of the good life is where an individual lives in communion with and for others, who in turn have your best interests at heart.

We have exchanged this covenant view of relationships, for one of consensus and contract. So long as we agree that this relationship is presently mutually beneficial, we will stick with it. But when it’s not, swipe left and move on.

Currently, relationships are rarely for better and worse, for sickness and health. They are only for richer times, and we are poorer for it when tough times come. And they do. To everyone.

Unconditional relationships are a safe place to learn about love and disappointment. Ironically, the very people who love us the most, can hurt us the most. Let your children experience tough times when they are young. It’s OK to receive the parcel, unwrap a layer of newspaper, and get nothing. Life is like that. Like salt on chips, some protection from failure is good, but too much becomes disastrous.

Be a normal family. Not every meal has to be gourmet. Always chasing the next big thing will never bring contentment. There is something secure about the simple and predictable.

Let me hop off the soapbox. I have just shared with you two values from our family. One is contentment and thankfulness for what we have. Another is that with the freedom to make choices comes the responsibility to accept the consequences of those choices.

Stephen Covey, author of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, suggests families sit down and draw up an agreed list of household values. Draft your own list together. Then debate it. Values can’t be token, paid lip service, then disregarded. Then affirm it, commit to it, and celebrate it.

In the process you will achieve two core outcomes. You will be modelling covenant as opposed to contract relationships. You affirm that we are all relational by nature. But it takes effort, intentionality and goodwill to nurture relationships that flourish. You create an environment where being there for each other is experienced, is caught. Healthy relationships are experienced first.

Second, you will plant the seeds of a coherent set of values. This is another developmental need of adolescents. Something more than just my morals as my opinion — than moral relativism. We must be proactive to develop a shared, robust, meaningful approach to life. Become a family worth belonging to, one that can cope with and face anxiety.