The colour of our hearts

Augustine (354-430) is the first to write a self-reflective autobiography. We often think the inward turn is modern and secular – not true.

He tells the compelling story of how, as an 11 year old boy, he played sports with friends and saw a pear tree on the walk home. He decided to steal some fruit – not out of need or hunger. They took more than necessary, and fed most of it to pigs.

“Doing this pleased us all the more because it was forbidden. Such was my heart, O God, such was my heart–which thou didst pity even in that bottomless pit. Behold, now let my heart confess to thee what it was seeking there, when I was being gratuitously wanton, having no inducement to evil but the evil itself.”

“It was foul, and I loved it. I loved my own undoing. I loved my error–not that for which I erred but the error itself. A depraved soul, falling away from security in thee to destruction in itself, seeking nothing from the shameful deed but shame itself.”

Later in life, when at University, Augustine wrote, “Lord, give me chastity and continence, but not yet.”

We have a different view of sin today. Sins are actions that harm others, or they flow from living in a society – like greed or the desire to get ahead. In both cases, sin is external.

Or sins flow from deep psychological flaws, and result in domestic violence and abuse. Offenders are evil, but so long as we do not commit these ‘sins’, and even if we make the odd mistake – we do not perceive ourselves as sinners. We see ourselves as basically good.

Augustine is sufficiently self-aware to appreciate that he delights in doing wrong. Somehow it brings excitement and vivacity to a moment. As you read this, you know it to be true.

The solution, according to Augustine, is not to deny it and imagine yourself to be good, nor is to whip yourself into line. It is to disavow yourself of the futile love of sin, and be consumed with the life-giving love of God.